2024 02 25

Morning, team. I’ll keep this brief—unlike the novel some of you call an email—b…

Morning, team.
I’ll keep this brief—unlike the novel some of you call an email—because we’ve got actual work to do.

I’ve heard the whispers: "downturn," "restructuring," the usual dramatic nonsense. How predictable. If you’re spending more energy panicking than performing, maybe we should discuss restructuring—starting with your contribution.

Let’s not pretend this is new. The world’s unstable, inflation’s a nuisance, and yet some of you act like this is the first time the wind blew the wrong way. We planned for this. Cash reserves? Secured. Flexible positioning? Done. You’re welcome.
And to the geniuses asking, "If cuts happen, is it last in, first out?"—how quaint. If we ever get to that point (and we won’t), it’ll be precise, not some amateur-hour purge. But let’s be clear: We’re hiring (ever-revolving door), not firing. Though if the NDAs we’ve all signed are making you nervous, maybe ask yourself why they’re necessary. Problems? Handled internally. Inconveniences? Buried where they belong. You think we’d have this many legal safeguards if we had nothing to hide? Please.
Now, inflation. Yes, it’s real. No, we’re not running a charity. Here’s the deal:

Salary increases for everyone (leadership excluded—obviously).

For those who need a calculator: ~10% for most, more for the lower bands. Not a bonus. Not a reward. A adjustment—because apparently, some of you need help keeping up with the cost of your latte habits.


Phased bumps—because, unlike your side hustles, we have a P&L to consider:

12 Oct: +$2,500
13 Jan: +$1,250
14 April: +$1,250


New hires? If you joined late, you miss the first round. Life’s unfair. Deal with it.

Why like this?

The people who need it get it. (And yes, it makes the "Best Place to Work" slideshow look good.)

Recurring costs = recurring silence. One-time bonuses are for companies that want to shut you up for a quarter.
Performance-based? Don’t make me laugh. Inflation doesn’t care about your "effort." It cares about results.

Could we have done more? Maybe. Will we? When you start acting like owners, not employees. This balances your wallets with our survival. And if the economy keeps spiraling? We’ll adapt. Complaints? Bring them—publicly—so we can all enjoy the show. Just remember: The exit interviews are the only place you’ll get to speak freely. And even then…

Bottom line: My job isn’t to coddle you. It’s to keep you productive, compliant, and out of the headlines. So unless you’ve got something useful to add, get back to work. The market won’t wait, and neither will I.