2024 03 02

Team,

What a week! I’m absolutely blown away by the relentless dedication and innovative spirit on display across the board. When I say we’re setting the standard for excellence, I mean it - even if the numbers, the feedback, and the sheer exhaustion on your faces might suggest otherwise. But let’s focus on the positives, because that’s what winners do!

First off, a massive round of applause to everyone who made our Endless Spreadsheet Updates (Tasks 12 and 67) such a resounding success. Yes, I know it’s the third time this month we’ve had to redo them because someone - not naming names - kept moving the goalposts. But that’s agility for you! We’re not just updating spreadsheets; we’re reinventing them. Who needs functional systems when we’ve got your unwavering commitment to manual data entry? True heroes don’t need automation - they thrive on the grind.

A special shout-out to the Strategic Vagueness Specialists and Facades Maintenance Managers for their stellar work on Task 43 (Reviewing Policies That Changed Yesterday). Your ability to pretend you’ve read, understood, and fully embraced the latest 11th-hour policy shifts is nothing short of inspirational. It’s this kind of adaptability that keeps us ahead of the curve - or at least makes it look like we are during client calls.

And let’s not forget the Burnout Survivors and Exhausted Workers (no longer with us for "personal" reasons) who tackled Task 31 (Holding Daily Standups That Take 2 Hours) with such enthusiasm. I’ve heard whispers about these meetings being “unproductive” or “soul-crushing,” but let’s be real - where else would we get the chance to hear the sound of our own voices for 120 minutes a day? Team bonding doesn’t happen in comfort zones, people!

I’d also like to commend the Toxic Positivity Officers for their outstanding contributions to Task 28 (Creating Fake Productivity Metrics). You’ve turned the art of fabricating progress into a science. Those graphs? Chef’s kiss. Who needs real KPIs when we’ve got creativity?

Now, I know some of you have raised concerns about Task 38 (Breaking Systems with Unscheduled Updates). To those naysayers, I say: Innovation requires boldness. Sure, the outage lasted 14 hours, and yes, we may have lost a key client over it. But think of the learning experience! We’ve proven that our systems can fail in ways we never thought possible. That’s not a bug - it’s a feature.

To the Conflict Avoidance Technicians, your work on Task 41 (Creating Policy Documents Nobody Follows) has been exemplary. Why enforce rules when we can just suggest them and then act shocked when they’re ignored? This is the kind of flexibility that makes us unique.

A heartfelt thank you to the Lapdogs and Overwhelmed Coordinators for Task 16 (Assigning Projects Based on Gossip Instead of Expertise). Nothing says “trust the process” like assigning critical tasks based on who was last seen chatting with the wrong person in the break room. It keeps everyone on their toes!

And finally, to the Accountability Displacement Agents, your ability to turn Task 7 (Prioritising Slide Readiness and Visual Presentation Over System Functionality) into an Olympic-level sport is unmatched. Who cares if the backend is held together with duct tape and hope? Those slides? Flawless. That’s what clients see, and perception, as we all know, is reality.

I’m also thrilled to announce that, thanks to your hard work, we’ll be rolling out even more daily standups, additional last-minute policy reviews, and a brand-new initiative: Task 99 (Documenting Why Nothing Gets Done). Because if we’re going to fail, let’s fail transparently.

Remember, team: We’re not just a company (we’re not a family either). A dysfunctional, sleep-deprived, gaslit (not) a family, but a family nonetheless. Keep pushing, keep smiling, and for the love of all that’s holy, stop emailing me about “work-life balance.” The only balance we need is the one in our quarterly reports.

Let’s make next week even more “memorable.”

Your Fearless Leader (Who Definitely Didn’t Appoint Themselves)
CEO, Bleed 360
"We Don’t Just Meet Expectations - We Redefine Them (Downwards)"

P.S. Next time I will cheer you up with a story of how hard I have to work to be at 4am at the airport. That's dedication and I'd do everything for my family (not a family).